Isn't that precious?

Ok I have decided that I really don't like this whole private school thing. Yes I know it's a good education. Yes I know what the consequences are in public schools. Ok, but nobody tells you the down side to the whole private thing of keeping up with the social ladder. My daughter is old enough now that yes her feeling get hurt when she goes to a party and the gift she is giving is not as expensive as the other gifts. And yes in "that" environment it does matter.  I have tried to explain that mommy doesn't make a lot of money and I get what we can afford. But I can surely tell you she doesn't want to hear, "it's the thought that counts". If you think I'm over reacting, then take the last party she went to as an example. She gave the child a stuffed kitten that meowed, some stickers, and a card in which she wanted to add one of her dollars that she was saving. Another child that was there that has been a "diva" all year told her, "really Katy a stupid stuffed animal and a dollar? How lame is that?" My daughter was so heartbroken. And frankly I'm not sure I want her going to any more parties if this is going to be the attitude.
Do parents even know how they are raising their children? Even when you try to teach them right, they go to school and are influenced by all these other kids. I just don't remember it being like this when I was growing up.
I have decided that private schools are different and the message that each one represents is what is in the character they teach. My daughter went to a very christian private school in Kindergarten and I loved it. They would never tolerate the social disorder that I am dealing with now. Why is she not there now you ask? Because my parents pay for her tuition and want her in a Catholic school. We have gone head to head and I just can't win. I've spoken to all the right people and done everything I can. So at this point all I can hope for is that all of this "junk" doesn't effect my child as she grows up.
It doesn't help either that I am one of three single parents in the whole school. Don't even get me started about the cliques.......................

Feelings

I was reading a friend of mines blog, and she was saying that people don't purposely hurt your feelings.  Well, I have always worn my feeling on my sleeve, and maybe it's just the way I am. But my feelings are hurt on a daily basis, sometimes all day long.  I am the person that internalizes everything, analyzing it, tearing it apart, dissecting it and trying to make sense out of it. No matter what the situation, no matter how slight the situation, that's what I do.  So how do I stop this whirlwind of feelings.  It is a catch 22 for me.  My "feelings" are hurt when people don't call me or respond to my messages.  But then if I call I "feel" like I am bugging them or bothering them per say.  It's never ending.  Then I beat myself up.  When the truth is the only one hurting me is me.  I wish I had no feelings sometimes. I am probably the most insecure person I  know.  I know I have a lot of baggage that I need to deal with from the past.  It's just scary to think about opening those bags. I mean come on....I might get my feelings hurt.

Baggage

Every relationship I've been in has been destructive. Really doomed from the start. Last year I decided it was better to be single than in an unhealthy relationship. I came to discover that I was settling for these men so that I didn't have to be alone and I always chose someone that needed to be "fixed".  Perhaps so that I didn't have to look inward at my own baggage. I've always had a problem being alone. If I were to self analyze myself I would say it was from the many hours I spent alone as a child while I was grounded.  I always feel better when I am focusing on someone else's tragic life.  Then I don't feel the pain.  It's quite ironic that all of my very close, dear friends live out of town.  It seems everyone I get close to is taken away from me.  It's a conspiracy I tell you.  God has it out for me.  He's punishing me for not becoming a nun when I considered it when I was ten.  Yes I saw the production of "Annie" when I was ten at the Orpheum and I remember wanting to serve God as a nun in a 3rd world country orphanage.  However that was quickly squelched when I told my mother and she laughed in my face and told me I was much to selfish a child to ever become a nun.  Did I mention I had baggage???  Well I have several bags and I'm just now allowing myself to sit on the floor and start to rummage through them.
So today I embrace being alone.  Because only I, alone can unpack the "baggage" and sort it all out.  I think about baggage this way.  I drive a lot taking Katy to school and going to work. I'm in the car a lot.  So I see several hitchhikers on the road.  Usually they have bags they carry, or just a plain backpack. This morning a saw a young man very physically fit, with a hiking pack on his back very well put together, everything in it's place and he was packed for balance and endurance.  He obviously knew what he was doing.  So I guess my point is it's not how much baggage you have but that you know what's in your baggage and that you have it all organized and are familiar with it.  Hey....I just found a bag full of good memories......YEAH!!!!!

My Savage Side

I've often wondered what my life would have turned out like had I never been adopted.  I do know that my birth mother Linda, named me Samantha, and everyone from that side of the family calls me that. My half brother named his daughter Samantha after me, before I ever even knew him. My birth father was Kenneth Savage, and was a member of a motorcycle gang with his brother.  He died four months before I was born and never knew I existed.  At the time of his death he also left four other children in California. It occurred to me one day that if he had lived and they had gotten married my name would then be Samantha Savage.  I also have a fondness for Harley's. I find myself in a fantasy world of wonder of who this biker chick could have been.  But then life just comes up and smacks you right back into reality. I'm just Tish. The short, fat chick that is always trying to loose weight.  I have to believe for myself that it will become a reality for me.  I have been overweight now longer than I have not.  I just can't think this is all there will ever be for me.  Someone once told me that no man would ever love me as long as I was overweight, and here I sit, alone. My question to that is....am I alone because the statement is true or because I believe the statement is true?