Baggage

Every relationship I've been in has been destructive. Really doomed from the start. Last year I decided it was better to be single than in an unhealthy relationship. I came to discover that I was settling for these men so that I didn't have to be alone and I always chose someone that needed to be "fixed".  Perhaps so that I didn't have to look inward at my own baggage. I've always had a problem being alone. If I were to self analyze myself I would say it was from the many hours I spent alone as a child while I was grounded.  I always feel better when I am focusing on someone else's tragic life.  Then I don't feel the pain.  It's quite ironic that all of my very close, dear friends live out of town.  It seems everyone I get close to is taken away from me.  It's a conspiracy I tell you.  God has it out for me.  He's punishing me for not becoming a nun when I considered it when I was ten.  Yes I saw the production of "Annie" when I was ten at the Orpheum and I remember wanting to serve God as a nun in a 3rd world country orphanage.  However that was quickly squelched when I told my mother and she laughed in my face and told me I was much to selfish a child to ever become a nun.  Did I mention I had baggage???  Well I have several bags and I'm just now allowing myself to sit on the floor and start to rummage through them.
So today I embrace being alone.  Because only I, alone can unpack the "baggage" and sort it all out.  I think about baggage this way.  I drive a lot taking Katy to school and going to work. I'm in the car a lot.  So I see several hitchhikers on the road.  Usually they have bags they carry, or just a plain backpack. This morning a saw a young man very physically fit, with a hiking pack on his back very well put together, everything in it's place and he was packed for balance and endurance.  He obviously knew what he was doing.  So I guess my point is it's not how much baggage you have but that you know what's in your baggage and that you have it all organized and are familiar with it.  Hey....I just found a bag full of good memories......YEAH!!!!!